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Learn
about Poor Peer Relationships
There are many reasons why your child may have difficulty getting along
socially. Interactions with peers are very complex and require many different
abilities. Your child must have the ability to correctly observe others and find
methods to interact with other kids' styles. He or she must also have the
frustration tolerance and maturity to compromise and share.
While this subject is incredibly complex, the social failures are easily observed.
When your child comes home from school or play feeling frustrated or hurt,
you are aware that something has gone wrong. The occasional social
problems are normal and in fact, necessary for your child's social growth.
Each stage of life places new demands on your child. The way he or she
learns to cope with these new demands is by failure as well as success.
Realize that no matter what, you cannot intervene in the conflict to teach your
child how to cope. While some circumstances may require your intervention to
stop physical or psychological attacks, only your child can figure how to learn
the "new tricks" to be successful.
By fifth grade, most girls have developed a complex social network. At this
age, as puberty begins to kick in, girls have strong social groupings. Boys tend
to mature a few years later so that the difficulties girls experience in fifth
grade may not occur until sixth or seventh grade for boys.
The child, who tends to feel frustrated, alienated or picked on for more than
an adjustment period of 2-3 months is struggling socially. For a child, there are
not many greater tortures than having to cope with teasing and rejection. As
has been seen with terrible reactions such as with Columbine High School,
resentments build stronger and can result in desperate actions.
Thankfully, only an extreme few react so horribly. Most children react with
their frustration and lack of self-esteem. Many will withdraw and give up any
efforts. Over the course of 23 years of clinical practice, this is one of the
warning signs of greatest concern.
As a child gets older, the social demands become greater. The child with better
social skills develops a sense of how to cope to fit in. Every child is challenged.
The problem solving method may succeed or fail. The way a child handles the
failure is critical. This depends on his self-esteem. If a child has confidence in
himself, he will continue to try new methods when some fail. The child with low
self-esteem will quickly give up and withdraw. This child no longer continues in
the mainstream socially. As others progress and demands increase for social
behavior, the child falls further behind.
By sixth grade, the groups are being strongly defined. The child who withdraws
due to low self-esteem who does not find a group will be at high risk for
problem behavior. I have often seen a young teenager flock towards drug
abuse. Often, other drug abusers have had similar failures and are happy to
welcome another. The use of drugs also provides a method of "self-
medicating". Smoking marijuana, drinking alcohol and using various other
street drugs acts as a means of reducing depression, anger and poor self-
esteem.
Obviously, this is not the best form of treatment. The problems of alienation
become more severe and the need for 'self-medication" becomes greater.
The teen then looks to the group for everything. The problems become worse
and the drug abuse continues. The initial evidence of poor self-esteem of the
younger years has influenced the child's choice of group and behavior.
Parents must look for early warning signs to avoid more difficult problems in
later years. Directive Parenting for Adolescents is being developed to provide
direction for parents of older children. What can be done in younger years is
important. When your child appears to be struggling socially, asserting your
parental role is essential. Network with other parents, trying to find how peers
perceive your child. If your child had a group of friends who he no longer
"hangs with", try to find out what's wrong. Get your child into structured
activities such as sports, scouts, music, etc. Find some things that will help him
become affiliated with peers in the mainstream. Don't support your child to
dress or act in the extreme. While this creativity may be great, it is a symptom
of alienation. Try to find ways of structuring "play dates" with kids you feel are
positive. Minimize contact with kids you don't like.
If no other options work, seek professional help before adolescence. Don't
wait until the problems become more severe. The older your child gets, the
less impact you have. Search for programs developed by mental health
professionals to provide social skills. Quest Camp, in the San Francisco Bay
Area, was developed for just this purpose. Please email us if you're interested
in further information in Quest. Try to find similar programs in your area.
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